Q:

Dear Jodi,

I am a 37 year old man and I have been married for about 2 years now. Why is it that when a guy has had a hard day and just wants to be left alone for a bit it is a big issue? My wife would nag me and class me as insensitive and selfish when in the background I am doing real stuff unknown to her. What do I do - go on a rant or sit quietly letting it stew till I blow up?

Jason

San Fernando,

Trinidad and Tobago.

A:

Dear Jason,

This is such a common occurrence in many relationships. The major key to unlocking your issue is healthy communication. You and your wife are recently married and you are still in the process of getting to know each other on an intimate level. Whether you’re married or not, getting to know someone intimately takes time as well as effort and patience. You could start by speaking to your wife about the issue when you are both calm and rested (not at the moment that she is “nagging” you and you are exhausted from a long day’s work).

You can try writing out what you want to say to her first as a practice so that you are kind and sensitive in your approach. This is important because if you just say how you feel in the heat of the moment then she may feel attacked and get defensive instead of listening to your side. Thus, going on a rant or letting it stew until you explode may not be the best approach. This will only alienate you further from your wife and eventually drive a wedge between you. Try instead speaking in a low and calm voice and explain to her some of the “unknown” things that you mentioned. This will expand her understanding of how long and stressful your day has been.

Explain to her gently that after work you need maybe 30 minutes of silence to yourself and that it has nothing to do with her personally. Remember you are doing all of this explaining when you are both calm and able to talk. You can also ask her what she would like from you to make her day go better when she is feeling stressed out. Why is she calling you selfish or insensitive? Consider that she may be reaching out to you when you get home because her way of de-stressing is to spend time with you. Asking her what she wants and needs from you is crucial and perhaps once you find a way to fulfil her needs also (in a way that works for both of you) then she may refrain from saying these things you don’t like to hear.

It may not always go smoothly but keep on communicating with each other. As a general rule, once you speak calmly and respectfully and make your request while at the same time committing to spending quality time with her then you should both find some resolution. You two can communicate and work it out as a couple without involving the opinion of too many outsiders. It is very important to do this soon and not let it fester and break down your relationship. The sooner you work it out the sooner you can get back to being in a space where you both feel a sense of well being and connection. I hope that this was helpful and I wish you all the best on your new and exciting journey of marriage.

Jodi

The information given in this column is for general guidance only and is not meant to provide advice or professional assistance. If you are dealing with a serious personal issue, you are strongly advised to schedule an appointment and visit with a qualified psychologist or counsellor. 

Do you have a question for Jodi? Email your question to info@paradisepulse.com and state "Attention Jodi" in the subject line. Please note that there is no guarantee that your question will be answered since only certain questions will be selected for publication. If your question is selected, only your first name and the town and country of your address will be published (e.g. Jane from St. James, Trinidad and Tobago). If you would prefer that only your initial or a pseudonym be used, place indicate this in your email.